But what happens when the issue slides off our radar? We’ve heard of it. We move on.

Unfortunately those who suffer have not moved on. Their inner pain and struggle is very much a part of every day. The reasons they live trapped in despair and the endless cycle of shame and hurting themselves are still a very real part of every one of their days. 

Since I first researched self-injury and wrote the true stories in Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury, the national statistics on reported self-injury has climbed–from 1% to 4%.  4% amounts to a huge increase. In 2008, that would be more than 12,000,000 reported incidents. That doesn’t account for the many, many who self-injure in secret.

Outside of the United States are cultures that still consider the topic taboo. I received an e-mail this week from a 19-year-old in South Africa who wants to bring the topic of self-injury to the attention of those in her church. She is afraid, partly because she still struggles with cutting. She feels more certain that she will be rejected than supported.

Heartbreaking. Or it should be.

On one end of the spectrum are those who have heard enough about it and it’s barely on their daily radar. On the other are those who refuse to talk about it. Two extremes, both dangerous. Neither help the person who is longing for compassion and hope. 

Please don’t let it become a forgotten topic. It’s likely that someone you know is struggling and hoping that you or anyone might be available and care. When you care, others will begin to believe that God does.

Check out Light and Life article: Long Sleeves in Hot Weather.

LIVE FREE JOURNEY–SMALL GROUP STUDY

Summary from Standard’s July-October 2009 catalog:
Live Free Journey : Small Group Study, the first of the new series of Live Free resources, will help create a safe place for teens to work through their struggles together. It sets up a vibrant discussion base for students to discover, in a deeply personal way, what Jesus meant when he said, “If the Son sets you free, you are truly free” (John 8:36 NLT).

This small group study is for any church, any group. Not only can it be a study used in a small group setting for those who are deeply struggling, it is also a great way to get the dialogue going with your youth about the tough topics teens and young adults face today. It’s a resource and small group study that is easy to incorporate into your existing plans and programs.

More information: product image and description

Available now through ChristianBook.com or Amazon (or contact Standard Publishing)

He felt powerless to challenge anything different.

So I want to stir up some good discussion here.

Watch Oprah’s show on Friday, on August 7th, 14 Years Old: They Say They’re Ready to Have Sex, a rerun, and you’ll quickly pick up a sense of the culture’s prevailing attitude about teen sex.

Related links on Oprah’s site:
Having the Sex Talk with Your Kids
Middle School Girls Talk About Sex

Contrast that with another discussion through Christianity Today’s August, 2009 article “The Case for Early Marriages.”

In this piece, Mark Regnerus says that abstinence pledges and courtship training may have left out teaching “young Christians how to tie the knot.” While some of his conclusions in his presented case for early marriages may or may not be the ultimate or only way to go, he brings up some interesting ideas to consider. (If you subscribe to the magazine, you can also read the three responses to Regenerus’s position, which add more interesting thoughts to the discussion.)

Read it all. Consider it.

Instead of feeling powerless as pastors, mentors, or parents of teens (or ignoring addressing the topic altogether), what can we do? What would help our children, teens, and young adults move in the healthiest way toward marriage with a God-honoring respect for the gift of sex and toward great relationships in marriage?

Please share your thoughts. But before you slap down a reaction, really consider the whole picture. I’ll be upfront and admit that this discussion is primarily targeted to those who have generally held to a faith-based perspective. What do you think God is calling us to? And how can we best help our youth get there?

And what advice would you have for the father I mentioned at the beginning? Is there an age when a parent should stop having influence on his child’s, albeit adult child’s, decisions about sex, relationships, and marriage?

Weigh in.

Today I spoke to a twenty-something-year-old reflecting on her teen years. She recalled what a difference it made when a youth leader finally began talking honestly about topics that hit her and others where it mattered. Other leaders and teachers were nice, helped her feel accepted and welcomed, but none went deep. And that’s what she craved.

Small group tips:

Avoid fill-in-the-blank studies. Look for a study designed to engage group members and encourage them to interact with the material, with the issues, with each other, and—most of all—with God.

Focus less on telling and more on asking great questions to encourage thinking, discussion, and deep sharing. Be purposeful about moving questions and discussion toward personal action and real hope that works in life.

Allow time for deepening personal awareness of what God is doing in their lives and who he is inviting them to become.

Live Free Journey : Small Group Study helps create that kind of a safe place where leaders, teens, and young adults can gather for life-changing discussion and personal discovery of what Jesus meant for us when he said, “If the Son sets you free, you are truly free” (John 8:36 NLT, italics mine).

New release–September, 2009. Plan now for a fall small group.

More detailed information.

An excerpt from the press release:

CINCINNATI – July 1, 2009 – Standard Publishing is pleased to recognize its two finalist nominations for the 2009 Retailers Choice Awards, which will be announced Monday, July 13, during the International Christian Retail Show (ICRS) in Denver.  Author Jan Kern’s book Seduced by Sex: Saved by Love (2008), from Kern’s “Live Free” series, was nominated in the Youth/Teen category . . .

Seduced by Sex: Saved by Love, the second in the “Live Free” series for young adults, deals with sexual promiscuity. In each book in the series, Kern tells us the true account of a Christian teenager dealing with a serious problem or addiction. The story unfolds in chapters that read like a novel, interspersed with chapters offering wise counsel and help for struggling teens and those who love them.

In Seduced by Sex: Saved by Love, Kern introduces us to Suzy, who gave herself sexually to her first boyfriend, then lived increasingly promiscuously seeking popularity and acceptance until she nearly lost her life as she spiraled into despair.

This is the second honor for Kern, whose first book in the “Live Free” series, Scars that Wound: Scars that Heal (2007), about self-injury, was nominated in 2008 for Book of the Year by the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association. The third book in the series, Eyes Online: Eyes on Life (2008) is about Internet addictions.  

As you read her article, you might feel uncomfortable, even defensive at times—loyal to your country and the culture (U.S.) you’ve grown to enjoy. But hang in there to the end. You’ll chuckle. You’ll gasp. You’ll begin to see she could be on target. You might find yourself considering what you’ve bought into and didn’t need to . . . and the beginnings of a longing to once again enjoy simplicity, conversation, and realness.

She begins with:

I used to think I was a reasonably well-adjusted person. But then I had to move back to the United States.

Donning U.S. culture again felt like wearing a sweater that’s four sizes too small: I stuck out of it. I squirmed to make it fit. I felt beyond absurd. Different aspects of American life that had once felt normal now felt uncomfortable and—dare I say it—horrifying.

‘Culture Shock’ series, Plugged In Online, Meredith Whitmore

Take time to read. Understand her “shock.”

But that’s also when it becomes Good Friday as we realize that torturuous death was love’s redemption. We who were created in God’s image, created to be in relationship with him, could know the restoration of deep connection and intimacy with him.

I wrote about that day in Scars that Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury:

Jesus had come to earth to put on human skin to live, breathe, feel, and hurt like you and I do. He had crazy expectations thrown at him. He was spat on, misrepresented, and betrayed—sometimes by those he was closest to.

He then endured humiliation and whippings, a crown of thorns pressed onto his head, a heavy cross placed on his shoulders, and nails hammered into his wrists and feet. So many wounds you couldn’t count them. But each welt, gash, and bruise on Jesus’ body shouts ‘I love you’ and, if accepted, is a gift of freedom and healing.

Only Jesus, as God come to earth, had the power to bear scars that have the ability to reach deep into the hearts of people and heal the hidden pain they feel inside. That’s why another cut or another burn or another punch to the wall isn’t enough. ‘Another’ is never enough. But the wounds Jesus bore are. As he took his last breath on the cross, he said, ‘It is finished’ (John 19:30). Wrapped up in those words is the power of his wounds—Jesus’ completion of God’s plan to set right each person’s messed-up relationship with him and to make it possible for them to experience the depth of his love.

Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury, p. 117

Though you may not self-injure, you may be well acquainted with your own hidden pain. Over the next days, it will be my prayer that you will experience the ‘good’ of this weekend of celebration, the power of Jesus’ wounds, the depth of his love.

Most just want you to be there to listen, but realize that more often than not, they may share their story gradually. They’ll test the waters, see if they can trust you, but also if they can trust themselves to handle telling the story. Doing so may be difficult, painful, or shameful for them. For some, the anxiety they feel while even speaking about their struggle could trigger the compulsion to self-injure again.

More tips . . .

One of the questions I’m often asked is, “When do you refer to a professional counselor?” My answer is to always suggest it. Some may not feel they need it because their self-injury isn’t severe or frequent. But when self-injury is a consistent way of coping, when anxiety and other strong emotions are often present, professional counseling is needed. In that case, involve them in the decision and the plans as much as possible. Work with them to get that help they need.

Finally, be willing to learn more about self-injury. One resource is Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal—A Journey Out of Self-Injury. It tells Jackie’s true story and the stories of others, both girls and guys. It is written to the teen or young adult, but also provides background, help, and tips for those who want to come alongside to help. Check out more articles and resources on the self-injury resources page.

More posts on self-injury and helping:
self-injury–helping someone who is wounded and struggling–part 1
self-injury—helping—part 2
self-injury—helping—part 3
self-injury—teens helping teens
parents responding to self-injury
how you know someone is self-injuring

The class asked how you know someone is engaged in self-harming behavior. Typical signs might be the presence of frequent injuries, covering up with long sleeves and pants, multiple scars. You may notice a depressive mood. But self-injury is often secretive. It can even be hidden behind smiles and a life that seems, on the outside, to be going well. How do you widen your awareness?

It’s more about what you do than signs you may happen to notice.

Be a safe person for them to come to. You build trust through your transparency and authenticity and how you model your responses to your own struggles. More trust through how you care about others and how you demonstrate consistency in following through with commitments. When they do come to you, even for something small, they sense your compassion, your respect. You’re able to respond without shock, repulsion, or judgment.

You also can provide an open dialogue of issues and struggles within group settings. I feel strongly about youth meetings becoming more than just a place for fun. Yes, the games and craziness create great memories and builds friendships, but teens also need substance. You provide that in part through strong connections and conversation around the tough stuff of life, opportunities to grapple with and deepen their faith in God, a place to ask the hard questions, even address the “taboo” subjects.

When we’re offering that kind of place for teens and we’re building relationships with them, we’re far more likely to hear, “Hey, I need to talk to you about something.”

Tomorrow’s post, what to do when someone who is self-injuring does come to you.

Parents, check out parents responding to self-injury.

1 Peter 3:15 says: “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” (NIV).

An invitation to give real hope is tucked into that verse. It’s not just about logically being able to talk about who Jesus is and his gospel of salvation. There’s another layer that is just as important . . .

It’s also about explaining him, our source of hope, through how we live out our passion for him and our compassion for others.

But have reverence for Christ in your hearts . . .
My connection to Christ needs to be real, genuine, and held sacred. Then if I tell teens that Jesus loves them and that he offers real hope, then they may believe I mean it and that he did too. They’ll know I’m speaking of, and showing through my life, something I know personally and believe is vital to living each day.

. . . and honor him as Lord . . .
Though imperfect (very!), I seek to grow deeper in my connection to him, considering all aspects of how I honor him with my choices, especially how I love people. Then maybe I won’t get in the way of others seeing that Jesus really is God Immanuel (God with us). Someone I know. Someone they can know too.

Be ready at all times to give an answer . . . to explain the hope that is in you . . .
If I do these things, then I’m far more likely to be ready at all times (a goal I want to shoot for!) to explain the hope that is in me–through words and actions, and with gentleness and respect. Not because I can do that, but because God can.

Through how we live we show teens–really anyone–a real hope they may be longing for, a hope that is worth going after.

Being seen as a model or mentor isn’t worth much unless it’s rooted in a relationship with Jesus Christ that translates into solid values. What are people admiring in you? Looking up to? Can they say it’s because you’re living like Jesus?
–one of boxed tips included in Seduced by Sex, Saved by Love–A Journey Out of False Intimacy, p. 197