Comments for Jan Kern http://jankern.com writing and speaking about teen and young adult issues Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:14:44 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=MU Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Jan http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-28 Jan Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:21:24 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-28 Maseaela, thank you for your comment and encouragemnt about Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, but also sharing some of your journey. Your words are infused with hope. Congrats on the upcoming 100 day mark! Maseaela, thank you for your comment and encouragemnt about Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, but also sharing some of your journey. Your words are infused with hope. Congrats on the upcoming 100 day mark!

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Maseaela http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-27 Maseaela Tue, 24 Jun 2008 02:46:15 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-27 Ok. So I'm new to this site. But not to the concept. I used to self injure. For 5 months. And yesterday, I finally began letting go of it. But here's what helped me. I picked up your book from the local christian mook store. I've been "christian" for almost 14 years now...but I never really knew Jesus for who he was. And I fell into the trap of self injury. But I picked up your book and read it. The part about making the scars beautiful really stuck out to me. And then yesterday I went to a friend of mine's church and by the grace of God, the same thing was taught. Making scars beautiful through Jesus's scars. And I knew that it was meant for me. So yesterday I battled Satan for control and I think now I'm on the road to recovery. July second makes my first 100 days without cutting. And I feel really happy. But I only managed this far with Jesus and my friends. My family kinda flipped out and overreacted. But we've come a long way and there's still a long road to walk. But your book was amazingly helpful. It was completely real and relateable. And it made me realize that I'm not the only one who feels like I did. So thank you. Ok. So I’m new to this site. But not to the concept. I used to self injure. For 5 months. And yesterday, I finally began letting go of it. But here’s what helped me. I picked up your book from the local christian mook store. I’ve been “christian” for almost 14 years now…but I never really knew Jesus for who he was. And I fell into the trap of self injury. But I picked up your book and read it. The part about making the scars beautiful really stuck out to me. And then yesterday I went to a friend of mine’s church and by the grace of God, the same thing was taught. Making scars beautiful through Jesus’s scars. And I knew that it was meant for me. So yesterday I battled Satan for control and I think now I’m on the road to recovery. July second makes my first 100 days without cutting. And I feel really happy. But I only managed this far with Jesus and my friends. My family kinda flipped out and overreacted. But we’ve come a long way and there’s still a long road to walk. But your book was amazingly helpful. It was completely real and relateable. And it made me realize that I’m not the only one who feels like I did. So thank you.

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Jan http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-26 Jan Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:11:16 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-26 Thanks for sharing, Saske, From an honest, parent's perspective, you show that it isn't easy and that it's definitely about more than the injury itself. Thanks for sharing, Saske, From an honest, parent’s perspective, you show that it isn’t easy and that it’s definitely about more than the injury itself.

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Saske http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-23 Saske Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:23:19 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-23 My daughter self harms, she is 15, bright and enjoys life on the outside, she is not able to open up or understand fully why she harms herself. As a parent it is really painful to be on inside of, I was the only person who knew at one time - even now only a few choice people know. When a young person does this, it is an expression - a very vivid one - of the pain and confusion that is going on for her, it is a release of tension and emotion that she doesn't know what to do with. It is a slow and difficult process for all of us. She has been harming herself for over two years now and she has told me recently that it is worsening. I know it is easy to judge, we want to protect our children, do the best for them, somehow make them stop. It just isn't that easy and it doesn't work that way, I wish it did. School became worried and the tell tale signs were there, she didn't want to do PE, of course getting changed etc, so they put her into counselling at the same time as PE each week, and asked her to join a group, which she did. I have tried to encourage her to visit the GP which she has done on a few occasions, he has now referred to a mental health service for young people. I'm hopeful that this will have some impact. As a parent I always feel there is more to learn, this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people, including self harmers, so with the bigger picture in mind, educating people and opening up this shadowed area could be a start, after all most people don't think about it unless it enters their lives somehow. We all have our ideas and judgements. My way of dealing with her is not to judge and to accept her completely and without conditions, this may sound obvious but it is hard for parents to achieve, after all, we want our children to be healthy and dynamically living individuals. It isn't about the self harm, that is not what I focus on, if we did then it wouldn't be about her, I would feel like a doctor treating her cuts, and its about her as a whole person, thats how she will move forward, by taking her whole self with her. Saske My daughter self harms, she is 15, bright and enjoys life on the outside, she is not able to open up or understand fully why she harms herself. As a parent it is really painful to be on inside of, I was the only person who knew at one time - even now only a few choice people know. When a young person does this, it is an expression - a very vivid one - of the pain and confusion that is going on for her, it is a release of tension and emotion that she doesn’t know what to do with. It is a slow and difficult process for all of us. She has been harming herself for over two years now and she has told me recently that it is worsening.
I know it is easy to judge, we want to protect our children, do the best for them, somehow make them stop. It just isn’t that easy and it doesn’t work that way, I wish it did. School became worried and the tell tale signs were there, she didn’t want to do PE, of course getting changed etc, so they put her into counselling at the same time as PE each week, and asked her to join a group, which she did. I have tried to encourage her to visit the GP which she has done on a few occasions, he has now referred to a mental health service for young people. I’m hopeful that this will have some impact.
As a parent I always feel there is more to learn, this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people, including self harmers, so with the bigger picture in mind, educating people and opening up this shadowed area could be a start, after all most people don’t think about it unless it enters their lives somehow. We all have our ideas and judgements. My way of dealing with her is not to judge and to accept her completely and without conditions, this may sound obvious but it is hard for parents to achieve, after all, we want our children to be healthy and dynamically living individuals. It isn’t about the self harm, that is not what I focus on, if we did then it wouldn’t be about her, I would feel like a doctor treating her cuts, and its about her as a whole person, thats how she will move forward, by taking her whole self with her.
Saske

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Jan http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-22 Jan Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:04:45 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-22 Yes. What you're talking about is an important element of Jackie's story in Scars That Wound, Scars that Heal. Yes. What you’re talking about is an important element of Jackie’s story in Scars That Wound, Scars that Heal.

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Cassandra http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-21 Cassandra Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:00:08 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-21 Jan - I think parents want a mix of the two, hiding and healing. It takes a strong parent and family to openly stand behind a child/ other family member who struggles with self-injury. They have to face the stereotypes which include sexual abuse, then promote the truth in their individual circumstances. Parents so often believe their child is hurting themselves because of them - they like to blame themselves even when it often has nothing to do with them. Coming out with this blame or with these feelings of helplessness requires the parent to be seen and not hide. I think this also goes true with our friends. It is hard to stand by someone who intentionally hurts themselves to cope. We want to control them, we want to protect them, we want them to heal. By openly standing by someone, we are saying we support them... however society often links "support" to "agreement", when they don't necessarily go hand in hand. You can support someone and love them and help them, without enabling them or agreeing with anything they are doing in their lives. Love ultimately transcends! It is also important to note how healing takes place on multiple levels. To some degree there is a public side of the healing that must take place with self-injury. The scars and explaining and not hiding and learning to capture the inner strength to push forward with the physical reminders of chosing life. Jan - I think parents want a mix of the two, hiding and healing. It takes a strong parent and family to openly stand behind a child/ other family member who struggles with self-injury. They have to face the stereotypes which include sexual abuse, then promote the truth in their individual circumstances. Parents so often believe their child is hurting themselves because of them - they like to blame themselves even when it often has nothing to do with them. Coming out with this blame or with these feelings of helplessness requires the parent to be seen and not hide.

I think this also goes true with our friends. It is hard to stand by someone who intentionally hurts themselves to cope. We want to control them, we want to protect them, we want them to heal. By openly standing by someone, we are saying we support them… however society often links “support” to “agreement”, when they don’t necessarily go hand in hand. You can support someone and love them and help them, without enabling them or agreeing with anything they are doing in their lives. Love ultimately transcends!

It is also important to note how healing takes place on multiple levels. To some degree there is a public side of the healing that must take place with self-injury. The scars and explaining and not hiding and learning to capture the inner strength to push forward with the physical reminders of chosing life.

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Jan http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-15 Jan Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:18:09 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-15 Yep, and as parents, do we want our children to heal or to hide? Great comment from someone who has been there. Thanks, Cassandra. Yep, and as parents, do we want our children to heal or to hide? Great comment from someone who has been there. Thanks, Cassandra.

]]> Comment on parents responding to self-injury by Cassandra http://jankern.com/2008/06/16/parents-responding-to-self-injury/#comment-11 Cassandra Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:46:30 +0000 http://jankern.com/?p=53#comment-11 The best thing a parent can do is ASK about it, don't ACCUSE about it. When a parent freaks out on a child, it will make them more likely to continue to hide the behavior... as this is what my folks did to me. My family also never talked about it directly, they would just throw it out in arguements when I was already in trouble for something else. Parents need to ask their children questions and not assume anything - approach the child with curiousity and care, not discipline and fear. The best thing a parent can do is ASK about it, don’t ACCUSE about it. When a parent freaks out on a child, it will make them more likely to continue to hide the behavior… as this is what my folks did to me. My family also never talked about it directly, they would just throw it out in arguements when I was already in trouble for something else. Parents need to ask their children questions and not assume anything - approach the child with curiousity and care, not discipline and fear.

]]> Comment on understanding self-injurious behavior by jankern http://jankern.com/2008/06/13/understanding-self-injurious-behavior/#comment-10 jankern Tue, 17 Jun 2008 06:47:46 +0000 http://jankern.wordpress.com/?p=47#comment-10 Thanks for writing and thanks for the congrats. Teens and adults struggle and none are freaks. You're right--getting that message out is part of raising awareness. You're a part of that by sharing your perspective through your comment! Listen to her, folks! Thanks for writing and thanks for the congrats.

Teens and adults struggle and none are freaks. You’re right–getting that message out is part of raising awareness. You’re a part of that by sharing your perspective through your comment! Listen to her, folks!

]]> Comment on understanding self-injurious behavior by Cassandra http://jankern.com/2008/06/13/understanding-self-injurious-behavior/#comment-9 Cassandra Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:07:55 +0000 http://jankern.wordpress.com/?p=47#comment-9 Congrats! We need more books out there that don't make us all look like freaks or something. Adults struggling with self-injury are too commonly overlooked. It is so hard having scars everywhere and still being forced to hide them (our jobs require us to hide them - mine does), despite being in recovery. The more positive awareness, the better (big smile). Congrats! We need more books out there that don’t make us all look like freaks or something. Adults struggling with self-injury are too commonly overlooked. It is so hard having scars everywhere and still being forced to hide them (our jobs require us to hide them - mine does), despite being in recovery. The more positive awareness, the better (big smile).

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