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parents responding to self-injury
Posted by jankern on June 16, 2008
You see unexplained cuts or burns on your teen’s arms. They heal, then you notice more as her long sleeves, meant to hide the wounds, slide up to reveal fresh injuries.
Or maybe he comes to you, head down, unsure of what to say. He finally mumbles, “I’m not doing so great. I’ve been hurting myself. And I don’t know how to stop.”
You’d never imagine your own child would purposely hurt himself. How do you even begin to handle it?
Don’t do it alone. While you begin to reach out and be that safe place for your teen to come to, you’ll likely need someone to talk to—someone who can encourage you, advise you, pray with you.
It’s hard to face, but part of the reason they’ve turned to self-injury may involve something that has happened in the home or within the family. If so, be willing to hear it out, to face it together, to communicate a desire to move toward healing. Be willing to do whatever it takes.
Jackie, in Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, remembered a poignant moment with her father when he said, “I didn’t realize all you had gone through. I’m sorry I didn’t understand you, and that I wasn’t there for you.”
Simple words. They meant the world.
For more about responding to self-injury, check out Mommy Life Blog, where I posted a guest blog on Sunday, June 15th, called Responding to a Child’s Self-Injury.
Please feel free to leave a comment or to contact me if you have your own story to tell of your parents’ response to your self-injury. What helped . . . what didn’t. Or parents, and any who work with youth, please share your thoughts or questions.
Cassandra said
The best thing a parent can do is ASK about it, don’t ACCUSE about it. When a parent freaks out on a child, it will make them more likely to continue to hide the behavior… as this is what my folks did to me. My family also never talked about it directly, they would just throw it out in arguements when I was already in trouble for something else. Parents need to ask their children questions and not assume anything – approach the child with curiousity and care, not discipline and fear.
Jan said
Yep, and as parents, do we want our children to heal or to hide? Great comment from someone who has been there. Thanks, Cassandra.
Cassandra said
Jan – I think parents want a mix of the two, hiding and healing. It takes a strong parent and family to openly stand behind a child/ other family member who struggles with self-injury. They have to face the stereotypes which include sexual abuse, then promote the truth in their individual circumstances. Parents so often believe their child is hurting themselves because of them – they like to blame themselves even when it often has nothing to do with them. Coming out with this blame or with these feelings of helplessness requires the parent to be seen and not hide.
I think this also goes true with our friends. It is hard to stand by someone who intentionally hurts themselves to cope. We want to control them, we want to protect them, we want them to heal. By openly standing by someone, we are saying we support them… however society often links “support” to “agreement”, when they don’t necessarily go hand in hand. You can support someone and love them and help them, without enabling them or agreeing with anything they are doing in their lives. Love ultimately transcends!
It is also important to note how healing takes place on multiple levels. To some degree there is a public side of the healing that must take place with self-injury. The scars and explaining and not hiding and learning to capture the inner strength to push forward with the physical reminders of chosing life.
Jan said
Yes. What you’re talking about is an important element of Jackie’s story in Scars That Wound, Scars that Heal.
Saske said
My daughter self harms, she is 15, bright and enjoys life on the outside, she is not able to open up or understand fully why she harms herself. As a parent it is really painful to be on inside of, I was the only person who knew at one time – even now only a few choice people know. When a young person does this, it is an expression – a very vivid one – of the pain and confusion that is going on for her, it is a release of tension and emotion that she doesn’t know what to do with. It is a slow and difficult process for all of us. She has been harming herself for over two years now and she has told me recently that it is worsening.
I know it is easy to judge, we want to protect our children, do the best for them, somehow make them stop. It just isn’t that easy and it doesn’t work that way, I wish it did. School became worried and the tell tale signs were there, she didn’t want to do PE, of course getting changed etc, so they put her into counselling at the same time as PE each week, and asked her to join a group, which she did. I have tried to encourage her to visit the GP which she has done on a few occasions, he has now referred to a mental health service for young people. I’m hopeful that this will have some impact.
As a parent I always feel there is more to learn, this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people, including self harmers, so with the bigger picture in mind, educating people and opening up this shadowed area could be a start, after all most people don’t think about it unless it enters their lives somehow. We all have our ideas and judgements. My way of dealing with her is not to judge and to accept her completely and without conditions, this may sound obvious but it is hard for parents to achieve, after all, we want our children to be healthy and dynamically living individuals. It isn’t about the self harm, that is not what I focus on, if we did then it wouldn’t be about her, I would feel like a doctor treating her cuts, and its about her as a whole person, thats how she will move forward, by taking her whole self with her.
Saske
Jan said
Thanks for sharing, Saske, From an honest, parent’s perspective, you show that it isn’t easy and that it’s definitely about more than the injury itself.
Maseaela said
Ok. So I’m new to this site. But not to the concept. I used to self injure. For 5 months. And yesterday, I finally began letting go of it. But here’s what helped me. I picked up your book from the local christian mook store. I’ve been “christian” for almost 14 years now…but I never really knew Jesus for who he was. And I fell into the trap of self injury. But I picked up your book and read it. The part about making the scars beautiful really stuck out to me. And then yesterday I went to a friend of mine’s church and by the grace of God, the same thing was taught. Making scars beautiful through Jesus’s scars. And I knew that it was meant for me. So yesterday I battled Satan for control and I think now I’m on the road to recovery. July second makes my first 100 days without cutting. And I feel really happy. But I only managed this far with Jesus and my friends. My family kinda flipped out and overreacted. But we’ve come a long way and there’s still a long road to walk. But your book was amazingly helpful. It was completely real and relateable. And it made me realize that I’m not the only one who feels like I did. So thank you.
Jan said
Maseaela, thank you for your comment and encouragemnt about Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, but also sharing some of your journey. Your words are infused with hope. Congrats on the upcoming 100 day mark!
Teacher said
I am looking for some help. We have had more and more kids in our school involved in SI. About 75% of those kids call themselves “emo.” We discovered that this “emo” thing was more than just another teen style. We actually caught about five of these “emo” kids injuring themselves in the restroom. Our problem is that these kids are refusing any help or intervention. They are telling us that we “have no right” to stop them, and they’ll cut if they want. They have told us that their SI is part of the “emo” style. We’ve seen many kids with many problems before, and we’ve, for the most part, been able to intervene in some meaningful way. This time, we are at a loss. The only resource that we have found for this is http://emodanger.co.cc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Teacher said
Hello,
I’m new here. I’m asking for help because of what I have seen. I’m a teacher, and in my school, we have been seeing a lot of SI. Most of the kids that we have discovered with SI belong to the “emos.” We even caught five of them harming themselves in the the restroom.
While not all of the kids harming themselves belong to this “emo” thing, about 75% do. Our school administration and counselors have done what they can. The involved kids are refusing treatment, and we fear for their safety. The only resource that we have found that fits our situation is this: http://emodanger.co.cc. This site seems to match exactly what we are seeing, but there isn’t much to say there if there is no cooperation.
If one has an issue with SI, please don’t visit this site. The owner puts up warnings, since he or she shows what these “emo” kids post on-line. There are many pictures about self injury and suicide.
If you are dealing with kids that self injure, and they refuse to accept that it is a problem, and say that it’s part of their “culture,” how do you approach them?
Teacher said
Sorry for posting the same thing twice. My computer froze, and I didn’t know the first one went through.
jankern said
I can understand why you would feel at such a loss. It does seem to be getting tougher for our children, teens, and young adults to make healthy choices–the pressures are more and more intense. Then add to that the difficulty when the person chooses a lifestyle, culture, or group that makes harmful choices as part of their identity. The attitude that you have no right to stop them is a part of it. Not a surprising response. In their minds, you’re not just asking them to stop self-injury, but to give up who they think they are right now, who they want to be.
Self-injury is already difficult to address. When it’s wrapped up in an identity, it takes it to another level.
A place to start is to be someone they can talk easily to. Build trust and get to know them. My guess is that there are quite a few that like the emo music and look and some of their emo friends, but not necessarily the depressive, dark feelings they are experiencing or the self-injury. But some may have started down that road, thinking it would be cool, and now are trying to figure how to get out. If you become known as someone they can come talk to, you can begin to help one by one.
Get together with other teachers and strategize. Pool your knowledge, resources, and creativity. Ask how can we be compassionate and love these kids, but also guide them toward healthier expressions of their “emotions”? How can we target/befriend some of the emo leaders and get them on board to making a difference? These teens don’t have to give up their identity, their look, their music necessarily, but self-injury and self-destructive choices don’t have to be a part of that, no matter what they say! SI is not okay to encourage with each other–EVER!
I’m not sure if your school is Christian faith-based or not. If it is, I would go in an even deeper direction. Emo really takes a person down a very dark, depressive path. Ephesians 5:8 says, “For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” That’s quite an identity to encourage!
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