self-injury—helping—part 3

I cut, and I just put a Band-Aid on them and forget. They are covered and in time they heal. No one knows. I’m hurt. No one knows.  -Jackie’s Journal
Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury, p.39

In Jackie’s story, told in Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, she struggles with not liking herself much, with believing she can’t possibly be worth anything, especially not worth helping.

For someone who self-harms, the scars and wounds inflicted on the outside are rooted deeply in what’s happening on the inside. Often mixed in there are memories and experiences that leave that person feeling like Jackie did.

Those experiences include living situations or homes where expressing feelings hasn’t been allowed, where others are too wrapped up in their own lives or pain to care about one another, where put-downs are common, or where control and expectations are so high, feelings of failure abound.

Validation. Communicating value. It’s not happening.

Even more difficult is when the lack of validation involves intentional abuse—verbal, sexual, or physical. Abuse sends a horrific and false message to the one on whom it’s inflicted. It says, ”You don’t matter.”

So it’s not uncommon that some form of invalidation is a part of the picture behind a person’s choice and compulsion to self-injure.

When you listen to the story of someone who self-harms, pay close attention to how they might have been crushed to the ground by words and experiences. Once you have a better understanding of that, you can begin to consider how—as a friend, mentor, or family member—you might help them come to a different conclusion about who they are and what they are able to accomplish.

Important to that process is encouraging an identity apart from “I’m a self-injurer,” or “I’m a cutter.” Someone who self-harms may see themselves that way, but they don’t have to. They are so much more.

From a Christian faith perspective, I see that person as loved by God and someone who exists for a beautiful and amazing purpose.

In her journal, Jackie wrote about those who cared about her:

You have shown me the meaning of the love of Christ. You have shown that I’m worth something more than I could have ever imagined.
-Jackie’s Journal
Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury, p. 149

That’s huge, and it’s a message for each of us. Not only can we know that about ourselves, but what a difference it would make if we showed that to the people in our lives every day.