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self-injury–helping someone who is wounded and struggling–part 1
Posted by jankern on September 11, 2007
Jackie sat in the dark for a few moments before she reached over and flipped on the light switch. U-shaped marks covered her arms. She counted them. In just five minutes she had inflicted twenty-one burns . . .
Burning had eased the out-of-control feelings, but she’d only meant to try it once. When it calmed her, she thought she had pressed the lighter against her arm only a few more times. How’d she lose track?
Jackie shivered. This was crazy. She didn’t want to hurt herself like that ever again. How would she handle these feelings next time? She wanted to talk to someone . . .
Read more of chapter one’s excerpt from Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury
Jackie wanted to talk to someone. You might be that person someone who is self-injuring needs to talk to.
They may come to you hurting and questioning and unsure how to manage the intensity of the pain and emotions they are feeling. They have turned to self-harming because it helps them cope with the thoughts and emotions that storm their mind and body. To hurt themselves is how they calm the storm and bring what seems out-of-control . . . into control. For many, inflicting wounds on the outside is how they communicate that something extremely difficult is happening on the inside—something they may have been unable to talk about.
Some or all of what’s happening may not make sense to them. You may wonder how it will ever make sense to you.
It doesn’t have to for you to help.
You are likely to be the friend of this hurting individual–or a mentor, a teacher, a youth worker, or family member. Sometimes you will help them find someone who is trained to address the deeper issues that are going on. If so, involve them in that decision. But one of the most important ways you can help is simply to . . . listen.
It’s not uncommon that someone who is hurting themselves has a story they need to tell. They have emotions and thoughts they haven’t known how to express. Maybe no one has ever paid attention or communicated the importance of what they are thinking and feeling. They may long for someone who cares deeply about them who is willing just be there and, when they’re ready to talk, someone who will listen . . .
• compassionately and respectfully,
• non-judgmentally, and
• without needing to understand it all or needing to know “why.”
“Why” is important, but much more for them than for you. Allow the “whys” to unfold without pressing the question.
You listening helps the person who self-injures to begin to communicate and cope in a different way than inflicting wounds on themselves. Pray and trust that God will show you how best to be available and how and when to respond.
Elizabeth Kaylene said
The last thing you want to do is be judgmental or controlling when someone who is struggling with self-injury comes to you. I used to self-inflict and my then-boyfriend would get mad, or he’d threaten to leave me or hurt himself if I did it again. This just made it a lot worse for me.
Ironically, once the relationship was over I finally began to recover. I’m proud to say that I haven’t cut in over two years, with just one relapse a year ago.
when someone who self-injures comes to you « Jan Kern said
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