Recently I offered a workshop in my community on self-injury awareness. We considered the ways friends, mentors, youth pastors, and family members can come alongside and help. We talked about how important our responses are to those who are self-harming (and yet this could apply to other situations as well). It’s a vulnerable position to be in, but in many ways as we help we are being watched.

How we respond to pain and questions in our own life; how we love, cry, laugh, get angry, or forgive; how we take care of ourselves (including our bodies) and nurture our faith and creativity—these are all ways we are being an example to those who are hurting. We don’t have to be perfect—being okay with that is an example in itself—but it might be a good exercise to consider exactly what we are modeling.

The following is a start to the list.

If someone is watching my life, how do they see me . . .

• Listening and communicating
• Responding to stressful situations
• Feeling anger and keeping it in check
• Failing and getting back on track
• Respecting and having healthy personal boundaries
• Being willing to ask for help when needed
• Valuing who God created me to be (and others)
• Loving and forgiving myself
• Loving and forgiving others (and yet not condoning hurtful behavior)
• Praying as a natural part of responding to what’s happening
• Having a daily, meaningful relationship with God

When we do this kind of modeling in our interactions with those who are wounded and struggling—with self-injury or anything else—we are helping to establish new patterns. Most of all, we are being like Christ and demonstrating his love and transforming work in and through our lives—even when we can’t do that perfectly. Maybe especially then.

What would you add to the list?

Jackie sat in the dark for a few moments before she reached over and flipped on the light switch. U-shaped marks covered her arms. She counted them. In just five minutes she had inflicted twenty-one burns . . .

Burning had eased the out-of-control feelings, but she’d only meant to try it once. When it calmed her, she thought she had pressed the lighter against her arm only a few more times. How’d she lose track?

Jackie shivered. This was crazy. She didn’t want to hurt herself like that ever again. How would she handle these feelings next time? She wanted to talk to someone . . .

Read more of chapter one’s excerpt from Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury

Jackie wanted to talk to someone. You might be that person someone who is self-injuring needs to talk to.

They may come to you hurting and questioning and unsure how to manage the intensity of the pain and emotions they are feeling. They have turned to self-harming because it helps them cope with the thoughts and emotions that storm their mind and body. To hurt themselves is how they calm the storm and bring what seems out-of-control . . . into control. For many, inflicting wounds on the outside is how they communicate that something extremely difficult is happening on the inside—something they may have been unable to talk about.

Some or all of what’s happening may not make sense to them. You may wonder how it will ever make sense to you.

It doesn’t have to for you to help.

You are likely to be the friend of this hurting individual–or a mentor, a teacher, a youth worker, or family member. Sometimes you will help them find someone who is trained to address the deeper issues that are going on. If so, involve them in that decision. But one of the most important ways you can help is simply to . . . listen.

It’s not uncommon that someone who is hurting themselves has a story they need to tell. They have emotions and thoughts they haven’t known how to express. Maybe no one has ever paid attention or communicated the importance of what they are thinking and feeling. They may long for someone who cares deeply about them who is willing just be there and, when they’re ready to talk, someone who will listen . . .

• compassionately and respectfully,
• non-judgmentally, and
• without needing to understand it all or needing to know “why.”

“Why” is important, but much more for them than for you. Allow the “whys” to unfold without pressing the question.

You listening helps the person who self-injures to begin to communicate and cope in a different way than inflicting wounds on themselves. Pray and trust that God will show you how best to be available and how and when to respond.