Jan Kern

(Cross posted from the Girls, God, and the Good Life blog, July 09, 2008. Note: I don’t usually cross post but felt this one might be applicable to this site and audience as well.)

A couple weeks ago I was traveling through a beautiful canyon toward the northern California coast. The colored sky was filled with dramatic clouds only God could paint. Then the sky darkened over the mountains to the south and lightning shot toward the treetops. We didn’t realize these initial electrical cracks were the beginning of storms that would push California into a fire season that may become the state’s worst ever. It’s not over. Typical fire season for California doesn’t end until the rains of late fall.

Many Californians are in survival mode, fleeing their homes. Others are doing what they can to prevent a fire from taking everything they have—a fire not yet threatening, dreaded just the same.

Living in the country, surrounded by dry brush, I at times find myself in the latter group, consumed in fear of what to me sometimes feels inevitable but may not be.

Not a good way to live.

I have a dear, older friend who somehow works into every conversation the challenge to live fully. It’s what God designed us to do, she’d say.

I think she’s right. This week I’m challenged to look at ways I might be consumed by a fear or anything else that keeps my time or thoughts trapped in survival mode. I don’t want to just make it through a day or just survive my life. Instead, I want to be as available and open as possible to God’s work of fullness in each moment, no matter what the circumstances.

Psalm 16:11 talks about eternity that will one day bring complete fullness, but I believe the verse also hints of what I can experience now:

You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (NIV)

Twenty-six words calling me to passionate fullness. Far beyond simply surviving. Definitely better than living in fear.

How about you? Have you ever found that you’re just getting through? Or that a task, fear, or difficulty has become so consuming that you’re in survival mode? What has helped you? What verses have you found stirring you to live more fully and passionately?

Please consider sharing. Someone might find encouragement in your experience.

You see unexplained cuts or burns on your teen’s arms. They heal, then you notice more as her long sleeves, meant to hide the wounds, slide up to reveal fresh injuries.

Or maybe he comes to you, head down, unsure of what to say. He finally mumbles, “I’m not doing so great. I’ve been hurting myself. And I don’t know how to stop.”

You’d never imagine your own child would purposely hurt himself. How do you even begin to handle it?

Don’t do it alone. While you begin to reach out and be that safe place for your teen to come to, you’ll likely need someone to talk to—someone who can encourage you, advise you, pray with you.

It’s hard to face, but part of the reason they’ve turned to self-injury may involve something that has happened in the home or within the family. If so, be willing to hear it out, to face it together, to communicate a desire to move toward healing. Be willing to do whatever it takes.

Jackie, in Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, remembered a poignant moment with her father when he said, “I didn’t realize all you had gone through. I’m sorry I didn’t understand you, and that I wasn’t there for you.”

Simple words. They meant the world.

For more about responding to self-injury, check out Mommy Life Blog, where I posted a guest blog on Sunday, June 15th, called Responding to a Child’s Self-Injury.

Please feel free to leave a comment or to contact me if you have your own story to tell of your parents’ response to your self-injury. What helped . . . what didn’t. Or parents, and any who work with youth, please share your thoughts or questions.

I just added another article link to the others listed on the self-injury resources page. Understanding Self-Injurious Behavior is an older article, from 2002. But I ran across it while doing some research and felt that it covered the general facts about self-injury compassionately and well. 

What I try to do is offer a few good resources rather than too many. Along with the posts I include below, those links listed on the resource page should give anyone seeking to understand self-injury a really solid start. And for those who are self-injurying and want help, the same is true.

While I’m at it, I’ll include an exciting announcement:

Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal—A Journey Out of Self-Injury, the first in the Live Free series, published by Standard Publishing, is an ECPA Christian Book Award finalist in the youth and children category. Winners will be announced July 13th at the International Christian Retailers Show.

If you have nothing better to do at the moment, check out the press release. You’ll see why I’m excited.

Anyway, I feel honored just to be a finalist. Something I wouldn’t have imagined in a bazillion years. Mostly, I just want to get the book out there. I know those who have struggled with self-injury and those who want to help will be encouraged and changed by Jackie’s amazing story.

More soon.

Recently I taught a workshop on reaching hurting and addicted teens. While discussing how we can encourage and support, we explored ideas that would help the teen connect strongly to Christ. One way we do that is by showing them that God’s words in the Bible can be extremely relevant and exciting for them today.

Daniel Darling has written a great book that can help all teens discover that. It’s called Teen People of the Bible–Celebrity Profiles of Real Faith and Tragic Failure. Daniel kindly offered to answer a few of my questions about his book.

What most inspired you to write Teen People of the Bible?

I was looking for good devotional resources for a few teens I was mentoring. I thought to myself, why would a teen read the Bible? What is in there that would inspire them? Then I thought, why aren’t we telling teens the stories of teens in the Bible? And so it snowballed from there.

Your subtitle describes the book as “celebrity profiles of real faith and tragic failure.” Sounds intriguing. Tell us more.

The Bible contains both–stories of real faith and stories of tragic failure–and it doesn’t airbrush anything. Teens can learn from these lives, warts and all. They can learn from the tragic mistakes of people like Samson and Salome, can be inspired by people like Joseph and Daniel, and can find hope in the redemption of people like Rahab.

Explain how you make these profiles practical for today’s teen.

We really talk about real issues teens are facing. Young people today, like the young people in the Bible, are faced with enormous pressures and struggles. So, each day we profile a moment in the life of a teen in the Bible and then discuss how this might be played out in the life of a 21st century teen. I also include a thought-provoking question each day, a prayer, and a lot of space for journaling.

How did you choose the 100 questions that you address in the book?

For each day, I really tried to discover the big question that young person was facing in that moment. Amazingly, the big questions haven’t changed in the thousands of years that separate people like David and Rebekah and Daniel from teens today.

What are some of the ways you envision this book’s use for readers?

I’ve talked to a lot of parents and a lot of youth pastors who have given this book to their teens as a gift. One mom said that her son has never in his life read the Bible on a consistent basis. She gave him Teen People and didn’t make any demands. She told me later that he read it through—all 100 days—and began reading through it again. In fact, one night, he stopped watching a movie and went to his room to, as he said, “Talk to God.”

I’ve also worked with many youth pastors. Some are using this as a curriculum. Others are using it as a giveaway to new believers. Some offer their teens the 100-day challenge of reading it straight through.

Any final thoughts you want us to know about you or your book?

I just want to encourage parents to set their sights high for their young people. Teens can have a real, vibrant relationship with God. Teens can read and understand the Bible. God’s Word is filled with the real-life stories of teens. We profile close to 30 teens in this devotional book. If you’re interested, you can download a free study guide that lists characteristics of every teen in the Bible. My website is www.danieldarling.com.

Thanks, Daniel!

Suzy, who had self-injured through cutting, told me there was another way she had chosen to hurt herself. In fact, it became her main form of “self-injury.” So she began to tell me her story.

It started out so innocent. Just wanting to be accepted and popular. But that turned into an all-consuming objective. Suzy would do whatever it took. One day it took too much. 

A decision. A boy. A bed in a garage.

The force of her resolve shattered all other cautions. This was the only way to gain the acceptance she hoped for. She would do what it took to get it.

As Matt pulled her into his arms and onto the bed, she fully gave in to this goal.

In the next several moments she felt a faint but deep twinge in her heart. Like the sad dying of something important.

p. 28, Seduced by Sex, Saved by Love–A Journey Out of False Intimacy

Suzy’s life quickly tumbled into a downward spiral of choice after choice of sexual compromise. She said, “Having sex was another way to cut on myself.”

You may never have cut yourself, but maybe you understand her choice all too well. And her pain.

There’s much more to Suzy’s story. Yes, more painful choices, but also the discovery of an amazing hope as she realized she was being pursued by a Love that would fill all her aching needs and heal her deepest wounds.

You can read her true story and the story of others–both girls and guys–in Seduced by Sex, Saved by Love–A Journey Out of False Intimacy

Find more information about the book and a link to the excerpt here.

Today, March 1st, is Self-Injury Awareness Day, known by some as National Self-Injury Awareness Day. Though it is not officially recognized by the U.S., except in a couple states, it is known by many and globally recognized as a day to raise awareness, dispel myths, and encourage sensitivity to the issue and to the individuals who struggle.

What can you do in recognition of this day?

Specific ways to help? Check out the other posts included below that share ideas on helping.

As you begin to reach out, be realistic in your expectations. Keep in mind that someone who self-injures won’t stop their self-harming behavior just because they now have someone to talk to. The needed healing of what’s behind their compulsion to self-harm will take time. Learning new ways to cope will also take time. But know that even a few encouraging words from you may be a part of moving their story forward toward their healing.

Be willing. Be patient.

Maybe you’re helping others understand and grow in their faith, but you’re struggling with your own.

God. Jesus. Faith. Questions. Doubts.

Is God there? Does he care about me?

Do I know what I believe? Do I want to pursue knowing?

See your doubts and questions as opportunities to move deeper into the story God is unfolding for your life, deeper into a hope that is unshakeable. It’s part of the journey. Taken well, you’ll more likely be in a stronger place to help someone else who is asking the hard—but good—questions about God and their faith.

Consider this . . .

Whether you’re new at getting to know God or very familiar with his loving presence, doubts are bound to occasionally sneak in. It’s okay to be uncertain, to be hesitant, to ask honest questions, and to wonder. In those moments, when your faith trembles, Jesus doesn’t disappear. He draws near.

Think of your doubt as an opportunity, a gift—like a lavender-scented invitation to journey toward deeper faith. Open it. Take all the questions tumbling around in your heart and allow the search to begin. Go where you can meet the true Jesus—to others who have known God long and well, to places of worship that love and honor his words.

Take the journey and don’t stop, no matter how steep the climb. Ask your questions, no matter how difficult they seem. Jesus can survive your honest examination. He always has, and he always will.

And those questions that linger—see those as gifts too. Let them prod you toward the beauty of believing without seeing, of certainty, birthed in the depths of the heart, that only comes by God’s Spirit.

You’ll find what faith in Jesus is all about. Discover him; then discover him some more.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. James 4:8 (HCSB)

Excerpted from Take A Closer Look, For Women, by Jan Kern, pg. 183

Maybe you’re a friend to someone who self-injures. What do you do to help?

Does your friend know you know? Are you wondering how to approach her (or him)? Tell her you have seen the injuries, have noticed her sadness (or the signs and emotions that you have seen). Then ask if she wants to talk about it. If yes, listen and let her share what she’s able to. It may only be a sentence or two. If she’s not ready to talk, tell her you’re there to listen when she is ready. Sometimes just the awareness that someone else now knows and cares is a huge help.

Are you the only person your friend is turning to? That can become extremely difficult for you, if it isn’t already. Don’t do this alone. Self-injury is much deeper than a behavior or a coping mechanism. The emotion and pain and the stories behind the choice are much more complex than even she is able to handle. It would be a lot for you to try to carry for her.

Be honest and tell your friend that you can’t carry this alone and neither should she. Be a trustworthy friend in how you handle what she has shared with you in confidence, but at the same time know that it is helping both of you to get others involved.

Find a trusted and wise adult friend who you can talk to—preferably someone who knows about self-injury, who is able to help you bring God into the picture of healing, and who has good suggestions for balancing help and friendship with your own personal safety and emotional health.

Help your friend find others she can talk to who can help in the ways you can’t. If her family can be loving and supportive, offer to go with her to talk with a parent. Or help her set up a meeting with a pastor or community professional who has experience and compassion in helping those who struggle with self-injury.

Keep in mind that self-injury as a secret conceals more than the outer wounds and scars. The secrecy prevents the inner pain from being addressed and the person from moving toward healing. Connecting to a community that cares can be an essential part of moving out of the pain and toward hope. As her friend, your greatest contribution toward her healing could be helping her begin to make those connections.

I cut, and I just put a Band-Aid on them and forget. They are covered and in time they heal. No one knows. I’m hurt. No one knows.  -Jackie’s Journal
Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury, p.39

In Jackie’s story, told in Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal, she struggles with not liking herself much, with believing she can’t possibly be worth anything, especially not worth helping.

For someone who self-harms, the scars and wounds inflicted on the outside are rooted deeply in what’s happening on the inside. Often mixed in there are memories and experiences that leave that person feeling like Jackie did.

Those experiences include living situations or homes where expressing feelings hasn’t been allowed, where others are too wrapped up in their own lives or pain to care about one another, where put-downs are common, or where control and expectations are so high, feelings of failure abound.

Validation. Communicating value. It’s not happening.

Even more difficult is when the lack of validation involves intentional abuse—verbal, sexual, or physical. Abuse sends a horrific and false message to the one on whom it’s inflicted. It says, ”You don’t matter.”

So it’s not uncommon that some form of invalidation is a part of the picture behind a person’s choice and compulsion to self-injure.

When you listen to the story of someone who self-harms, pay close attention to how they might have been crushed to the ground by words and experiences. Once you have a better understanding of that, you can begin to consider how—as a friend, mentor, or family member—you might help them come to a different conclusion about who they are and what they are able to accomplish.

Important to that process is encouraging an identity apart from “I’m a self-injurer,” or “I’m a cutter.” Someone who self-harms may see themselves that way, but they don’t have to. They are so much more.

From a Christian faith perspective, I see that person as loved by God and someone who exists for a beautiful and amazing purpose.

In her journal, Jackie wrote about those who cared about her:

You have shown me the meaning of the love of Christ. You have shown that I’m worth something more than I could have ever imagined.
-Jackie’s Journal
Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal–A Journey Out of Self-Injury, p. 149

That’s huge, and it’s a message for each of us. Not only can we know that about ourselves, but what a difference it would make if we showed that to the people in our lives every day.

It turns out that Rosie’s new book, Celebrity Detox, is about a lot more than her angst about her reentry into television and her rocky relationship with Barbara Walters on The View. This morning, Fox News reported that as a child she used to break her own bones—usually her hands or fingers—with a baseball bat or a wooden hanger. 

In the book she said, “No one knew. It was a secret.” For her it was proof she “had some value, enough to be fixed.” Her self-injury followed the death of her mother, when to Rosie it seemed no one paid attention to her grief. She also adds, but doesn’t fully explain, “There were many benefits to having a cast. In the middle of the night, it was a weapon.”

Rosie’s mention of her childhood self-injury seems to be almost a small footnote at the end her short memoir, but I wonder if it’s really the bigger story. Or at least the more important one.

Already many are writing about this revelation. Some who are opposed to Rosie’s liberal views and gay lifestyle are pouncing with venomous “what did you expect” sorts of comments. I may not be a big Rosie fan, but I think this is uncalled for. No matter what our political or faith views are, we should always respond with care and patience to someone who is struggling or hurting. And I say “is” because the pain Rosie experienced as a child is still very much a part of her life today. It doesn’t just get pushed into the past.

For those who are in the Christian faith community, even those who may have avoided anything “Rosie,” I encourage you to write her a letter. But please, please don’t—unless you are willing to do so prayerfully and compassionately.